Mommyhood, and everything else that follows..

Hi....it's been a very long time since I last wrote....and a lot has happened since then.....months have gone by...holidays have passed..the baby has grown into a wonderful, healthy, beautiful, big 1 year old little boy....and sadly...my seven year relationship broke apart,and the baby and I moved out...everyday I thank God that Evan has a wonderful father...whom I loved/love for a very long time...and will always love...things between us have fallen apart...but he is a dedicated, and loving father...Evan is very lucky....
Even though this was basically mutual,and probably for the best, my heart breaks a little more everyday....even now...writing this I'm emotional....remember when you were young..and you thought about how one day you were going to meet "that boy, that guy" and it would all change...life...love...you....and you would love each other until the end of time....your other half....your link....your everything...well it happened to me....and now it's gone....when the end happens....it literally takes the breath out of you...your mind goes blank...the path you were moving on sudden disappears from underneath your feet...and it all goes dark...you're lost....you're motionless...that future you had in your head...the one that you saw..that you were waiting to experience is gone in a sec...and you don't know what end is up...and even where you are...it's crippling...it's been about 3 months...and I still feel that way...I have my beautiful boy by my side,and that helps me so much....he...he is the reason I am fuctioning...I'm having a bad moment today...a bad day...Evan is with his father...so I have time to think...I'm trying to keep busy..God knows I have crap to do..but it doesn't stop the pain....my younger brother is getting married this week... I couldn't be MORE happy for him...for them...but somewhere ...creeping in the back of my head...the pain of the what should have been...is lingering...the reminder of being alone..is there...I just keep shoving it back..because I am more happy for them...then sad for myself...I'm just having a pity party for 1 today...and you know what..that's ok....You're probably thinking if I feel this bad...why was I apart of ending it...well...it really was for the best....for this point in our lives anyway...I can't say what the future will hold...but right now ..we made the right choice...but that doesn't make it hurt any less...