Hi....it's been a very long time since I last wrote....and a lot has happened since then.....months have gone by...holidays have passed..the baby has grown into a wonderful, healthy, beautiful, big 1 year old little boy....and sadly...my seven year relationship broke apart,and the baby and I moved out...everyday I thank God that Evan has a wonderful father...whom I loved/love for a very long time...and will always love...things between us have fallen apart...but he is a dedicated, and loving father...Evan is very lucky....
Even though this was basically mutual,and probably for the best, my heart breaks a little more everyday....even now...writing this I'm emotional....remember when you were young..and you thought about how one day you were going to meet "that boy, that guy" and it would all change...life...love...you....and you would love each other until the end of time....your other half....your link....your everything...well it happened to me....and now it's gone....when the end happens....it literally takes the breath out of you...your mind goes blank...the path you were moving on sudden disappears from underneath your feet...and it all goes dark...you're lost....you're motionless...that future you had in your head...the one that you saw..that you were waiting to experience is gone in a sec...and you don't know what end is up...and even where you are...it's crippling...it's been about 3 months...and I still feel that way...I have my beautiful boy by my side,and that helps me so much....he...he is the reason I am fuctioning...I'm having a bad moment today...a bad day...Evan is with his father...so I have time to think...I'm trying to keep busy..God knows I have crap to do..but it doesn't stop the pain....my younger brother is getting married this week... I couldn't be MORE happy for him...for them...but somewhere ...creeping in the back of my head...the pain of the what should have been...is lingering...the reminder of being alone..is there...I just keep shoving it back..because I am more happy for them...then sad for myself...I'm just having a pity party for 1 today...and you know what..that's ok....You're probably thinking if I feel this bad...why was I apart of ending it...well...it really was for the best....for this point in our lives anyway...I can't say what the future will hold...but right now ..we made the right choice...but that doesn't make it hurt any less...

I miss you too...

The other night we were listening to the 80s music station on the TV,and I don't have to say how awesome it was..it's a given...all the greats were singing..Cyndi Lauper, Lionel Richie, and the late great MJ...songs I haven't heard in years like the Ghostbusters theme, and Careless Whisper by Wham!...All of this completely took me back to my childhood...not always with a memory...sometimes just a feeling...and you can't even put your finger on it..all you can do is feel it...it usually last the whole song and after it ends you just go "wow"....well this evening I had a stronger reaction than otherwise expected...we were in the bedroom changing bubs when I heard what I thought was a familiar song..I left Dan to finish up and I went to listen to it... It was the song "I can dream about you"...now this song is clearly a love song about a man who can't be with the one he loves..but knows he can still be with her in his dreams if no where else...but as a child...upon hearing the chorus of the song I forever connected it with my pop pop...he as the time had just died maybe a year or so when I heard it for the first time..I remember telling my mom that it reminds me of him because even though he's gone...I would be able to see him when I dreamt....ok ok so I didn't use the word "dreamt" as 6 year old..but whatever it's my blog and I'll write what I want lol....so anyway here I was 29 years old...my pop pop was been gone 23 years..and I'm sitting on the couch ..eyes closed...tearing up almost able to feel the bedspread I was laying on when I made this connection 23 years ago...as the song ended I searched YouTube for another song...one that I made an even stronger attachment regarding the loss of my grandfather...
"Somewhere Out There"..I,as many of you, first heard this song in the movie, "American Tail" with the cute little mouse that gets separated from his family...all I have to do is hear the first chord of this song and I'm crying... right then and there it reminded me how much I missed him and how much HE is missing by not being here...just like he was the first person, besides my parents, to see me in the hospital when I was born...I KNOW he would have flown up here when he knew Evan was on his way...so I'm thinking about all of this quietly sobbing at the computer just waiting for Dan and Evan to walk in and see mommy as a complete mess...it's amazing what songs can do...they bring back the rawest of feelings no matter how longs it's been...
They say that when a loved one who has past away wants to say hi..they do something or cause something to happen so we think of them..well I guess pop pop not only wanted to say hi that night...but wanted to give me a big hug and kiss....well...I miss you too...=o) <3 <3 <3

Now I know my A,B,C's...

In kindergarten we're taught the letters of the alphabet...we learn that when we put some letters together we can form words....what we're not taught is the great power you have once you do that....you're not told right away that with those words... you have the power to lift someone's spirits....change someone's life....or..even break someone's heart....with just a mere few words....words...some as simple as love...or hate...both of which have only four letters....only four letters of the twenty-six that your taught in kindergarten...can affect someone else's whole world...if just one word...as small as those two can do so much....just think about what a sentence can do.....someone once said..." The pen is mightier than the sword "...that quote rains true... for the words we create with the pen can be just as sharp as a sword. Remember...
" Knowledge is power " and " With power comes great responsibility."

?????

" Read any good books lately?" I must have seen that line in at least three different movies...wait...don't quote me on that...and... as a matter of fact don't ask what movies cause I sure as hell can't remember...the point is I've heard it..and the great part is NO ONE ever asks that...ever...and if they do...you politely answer them then walk away thinking..omg...that was strange...I've always seen that happen in a movie... but not in real life...AHH HAA see...but now I'm going to ask that...have you? Because if you are a new mom or someone wanting to be a new mom...you totally have to read...Jenny McCarthy's Baby Laughs...it's the sequel to Belly Laughs which I will also recommend. Anyway...there is a chapter called " WWW.ismybabydevelopingproperly.com" In this chapter she goes on about how she would constantly check up on what milestone he is at..or should be at...etc..and in her own funny sarcastic way helps us new mom relax when it comes to that stuff...and frankly I've had to read that chapter a few times..to keep my mind at ease....
My little love...literally just turned nine months ..he's getting so big so fast....but...I can't help but get nervous about what he's not yet doing...ok ...let me rephrase that...not nervous...but aware of...like for example...in my second post I wrote about looking at other babies and comparing...and I'm starting to do that again..I know it's not healthy..and there is certainly nothing wrong with my son...I just can't help but think about it once in awhile...ok...he's hasn't grasped the sippy cup idea yet...he's getting there...but not mastered...it...he's not crawling...well forward that is...doing an awesome job at the whole backwards jig...and yes..I know.."They start off backwards..that means he'll be doing it in no time" yeah I know that..I've read that...I've even seen that..but it doesn't change that fact that he's not...he's not eating puffs in fact he freaks when we put one near his mouth.. ...gags on pieces of soft carrots....and the thing is...and this should be self explanatory ...I don't blame him...I blame myself...am I doing something wrong? ...But then I gather myself back together and realize that he is perfectly normal and every baby has his or her own time-line..and frankly there is a reason Jenny McCartney wrote that chapter....yeah hello...nuts like me...in the end...I realize how wonderful he is...how everything he does still to this day amazes me...and I think about how something this special came from us...and when he says mama for the first time..it will be a magical moment...no matter WHEN he says it...

Why do I always do this?

OK it has been WAY too long since I last posted...I don't know what my problem is...I always have great intentions on writing...I've always gotten excited about getting a new diary or what not...but it always ends up the same way..I get all excited...I start...and then....slowly....but...surly..it sloooows down to a complete stop....UGH...I really don't know why I'm so surprised..it's the story of my life....tons on unfinished business....

Oh well...I'll write a better post tomorrow...I promise....